baudrunner's Blog

My can opener! Yes, my trusty key to a veritable everkeeping treasure trove of victuals, has died. It just of a sudden popped its cog, so to speak, literally rent in two while trying to open a big can of tomato paste. Sadly, it turns no more. Best to be off and procure another.

I do that. I go straight to the Food Basics just around the corner and lope right to the kitchen gadgets section, pick up another and walk it naively out the door after cruising easily through the express line. A buck forty-nine. Good deal, right? WRONG!

Sure, it looked like a can opener. It even had a can lid puncher on the end and a bottle opener at the opposite end. And it did open one can of diced tomatoes, although I did have to go around it twice. It really only carved a groove into it the first time around. I had to squeeze a little harder to get it to punch through. Big mistake. The cheap metal that served as its blade was just a folded over portion of the cheap metal handle afixed with a cheap rivet to the lever that held the cheap metal gear that turned the can. It bent.

Okay, you get what you pay for. I should have known better. A buck forty-nine doesn't actually buy a can opener, it only buys something that looks like one, and there is a big difference. Problem is, I had the other one for so long I forgot where I bought it. I didn't really mind when it broke, it had served me so well for so long that I had given it every right to expire. May it rest in peace. But now I want another one just like it. Nothing Swiss army like it's got a can hole puncher too or anything like that, just a normal can opener like the one I used to have. Two arms, a wheel, and a good strong blade and a gear. That's all.

So off to Home Hardware and into the kitchen gadgets section. I have to ask where it is even though it's a small store. Oh, yeah, there it is.. wait, there's the opener that I bought at the Food Basics. Only, it's three eighty-nine. Forget about it! Is that all they've got? Wait, what's that? Is that a can opener? I don't want it, it looks too phallic and plastic and, well.., big. And eighteen eighty-eight. And there are more of these mutants, all different and yet, kind of the same. And nothing under twelve bucks. No way, I just want a can opener like the one I used to have. I pick up what turns out to be a garlic press. Wishful thinking can do that. I'm getting a little annoyed. And, in the meantime, I have this big eight litre soup pot steeping away my spaghetti sauce waiting for that can of tomato paste and a can of tomato sauce and another can of seasoned pasta sauce. Good thing I was able to open the can of diced tomatoes. And it is set on very low. So, let's head out to Zeller's.

Well, needless to say, same story. El cheapo hanging on the display rack for two bucks and change. And those ridiculous imposters hiding God only knows what questionable quality under their bulky exteriors, let alone way too expensive. It's just a can opener, for crying out loud! I need options.

Ahah! I have an idea. I'll just quickly check out the No Frills supermarket in the same mini-mall and see what they've got, as if I didn't know, before I head out to the Walmart. It's a bit of a drive but I know a good short cut. It's friday night and nobody's out in the urbs. I can rush through them and still make it back to stir up a good sauce.

On the way I think, yeah, good old made in China. I remember those tiny scissors with the collapsible handles. Good solid craftsmanship. And a steal for a buck ninety-nine. Heavy metal. That's what I need. Walmart gets practically everything from China. They've just gotta have a good can opener.

But first let's deek over to the Canadian Tire. You never know. Right, a kitchen gadgets section in an auto supply store. I must be really clutching at straws here. I rip a can opener that looks just like the cheap one I just bent right off the display rack, then realize that it must be the lighting or something, because it's exactly the same, just a different colored cardboard backing. I ruthlessly fold the backing back to take a good look at the blade and the gear, noticing the cheap rivet and growling under my breath. Somehow a piece of cardboard winds up in my hand as I place it back on its hanger. I pick up another garlic press. Nuts.

I strut indifferently out of the store so as not to attract attention, tossing the cardboard shred into one of the aisles in disgust. Off to Walmart hoping beyond hope that their can opener is made in China.

Walmart is in the same plaza, at the other end, beside another No Frills. It doesn't take me long to find the kitchen gadgets aisle, I know my way around here. Wouldn't you know it, some idiot has parked his cart right in front of the can opener section and he's just standing there staring at another display case. I don't care, and shove his cart out of the way, hey I'm a big guy and right now I'm on a mission! There! There it is! A can opener just like the one I used to have. I yank it off the display rack whilst talking loudly, "There, I knew it! I should have come here in the first place!" The guy cringes as I walk away. I snatch my reading glasses out of my jacket pocket and carefully read the back of the cardboard package as I make my way to the checkout. There's the fine print.. made in China. Heavy metal. Three forty-nine.

Home again and three cans done and doner, I tossed it into the big cutlery drawer. I did something with that meat sauce I'd only tried once or twice before. I took the package of cheese out of a Kraft Dinner and sprinkled a good portion over my spaghetti and let it sit for a while after I stirred it loosely in. Delicious! I'm going to log off and make a spaghetti sauce omelet.