Death, life, and mores galore.

[Meem]

Last Thursday, the man that half of the genetic information which forms my body came from died. He was in the icu for several days, came out, and then shortly after coming out died. He no longer had the will to live, and told some of those that visited him that he wanted to die. I never called. I made my peace with him and his angst several years ago.

He called me once and told me when he died, he wanted to be cremated and did not want a funeral with any of "our bleep bleep bleeping" family there. I asked him if he had a will, he said, "I don't need a will I told you what to do." I tried to explain this further, "dad, for me to legally do anything there has to be something on paper saying what should happen. If you do not get a will, write it down at least." So of course, all he did was write me a letter.

I do not feel bad for not calling him, nor do I really miss him. I can't say that there was a whole lot to miss. I don't hate him, and had forgiven him for a few mistakes. When I was notified, it was up to me what to do with his remains ... funeral, burial, service, etc. I told his oldest brother, cremate him and I will come pick him up, there is to be no service. I am respecting his wishes.

I still have not gone to collect him just yet. There's all this ugly business with property, death certificates, beneficiary packets, accounts, bills ... One cannot close an other's account without a death certificate. Getting the certificate takes up to about a month sometimes. The plan is to head out once the certificate arrives, and tie loose end up. But that's not sitting well with uncle Lamar .... the church deacon.

You see, in his mind I should have ran out to alabama immediately and should have thrown myself all over wailing ... perhaps screaming why???!!!?!! So, today i've heard that he thinks this letter I have produced is a lie, among a few other things. This is the single largest reason, I did not want to go. Because there will be endless people whom have all these expectations of how I should be reacting to my father's death. What can I say, i'm an under achiever? I feel no desire what-so-ever to explain to people why I'm not crying, sad, or whatever it is the expect I should be doing.

My father and I will have our last get together on top of one of my favorite areas. Eldora ski resort. It's nothing big or special like Copper Mountain, Vail, Breckenridge, etc. But, it's 30 minutes from home. The others are 2 or more hours, so season pass Eldora. I like turning around on the lift and looking off to the sides on the way up. Such views are hard to beat. I will put him in a backpack, and head off trail a lil bit and let him go.

If there is a better place that I have forgotten, haven't seen yet, or even if there isn't ... I'll still hope he finds his way there. But for all these expectations of family I have no care. I was to be his final steward, and what he last told me, I will honor. And for all this other ugly business ... of family members positioning for stuff and things, I grow sick and angry of. People have the nerve to lament towards me, why do you not weep, why do you not mourn, why do you not run ... and at the same time, they would deny what they know of him, and try to take from me what he left to me .... because they say I have not honored him ... and some of them quote the bible, as to affirm their greatness and my err.

I will not hate you, but I will not be kind either, now.

If those who believe, believe, why do they weep? Why not shout and sing? So many whys, with rather simple answers. Because, to err, to lust, to vex ... is human, but does it have to be? Tears do not raise the dead, nor make better for the living.

[melanie]

''A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.''

[labelwench]

The manner in which any of us deals with loss is dependent on our personal understanding of what 'death' actually entails, the belief system of the departed, our own belief system and our relationship with them.

Death is not problematical for the deceased as they have now been freed from all earthly commitments made, leaving those details of repayment and entitlement for others to sort out. If one is to weep or wail with any real purpose, it might be in regard to the expectations that are imposed when one is made steward or executor of the estate of the deceased. It is a lot of work, much of it frustratingly slow.

As for the expectations of others in regard to how one should comport themselves during this time of grieving, I can understand your frustration. Though one may act with decisiveness and composure in the face of personal loss, this is not an indication of our inner experience, which is often not even known to ourselves as we go about the details in need of attending. When my step-dad died, I was with my mother for the final 36 hours, and brought her to my home to look after her for the first few days. I remained strong and stoic because she needed me to be that way at the time. Some months later, once all of the details of death had been attended, I would find myself looking at the world through a haze of tears, in the middle of doing the most mundane activities..... grief had finally found an opportunity to leak through....

[Unreal Zelta]

The power of memory will always be a double edged sword, our remembrance of the deceased will either make us happy or grievous, depending on what memory we choose to reminisce. It is always important to remember that death is a force of separation, not cancellation.