Let us change the subject, for it’s time to talk about Australia in order to gain an understanding of Graybeard. I flew there once on an assignment with Bill Bryson. I first became suspicious when I lost an entire day of existence as I crossed the International Date Line.
DOWN UNDER
Australia is mostly empty, moreso than an atom, and is very far away from everywhere. It has only 18 million people. The constellations are upside down and the seasons are back to front. It has no sports of interest. The only good things are that its people are very friendly, the sun always shines, and the beer is cold. It is the only country that is also a continent that is also the world’s largest island and the only one that began as a prison. Graybeard has a lot of original sin because all of his ancestors were criminals.
The cities are all on the coast since the interior is a boundless wasteland about half the size of outer space. Some amateurs once set off an atomic bomb in the Great Victoria Desert of Western Australia and no one even noticed it for four years. Nor did anyone notice the world’s greatest monolith, Ayers Rock, until about a hundred years ago.
Of the world’s ten most poisonous snakes, all are Australian. Five of its creatures are the most lethal of their type in the world. Even a fluffy caterpillar can kill you. Some seashells are venomous. Every ocean current carries you far out to sea. They even lost a prime minister, Harold Holt, who was merely strolling along the beach. He stepped into the surf and was never seen or heard from again.
Australia is very old and nothing has changed there for 60 million years. Thus, one may find the oldest fossils on earth. Even the first faint signs of life can be seen—the earliest animal tracks ever. It seems, though, that its creatures evolved by misreading the evolution manual. They don’t run or lope or canter, but bounce across the landscape like a ball. There is even a fish that can climb trees and some crustaceans so large that one could climb inside their shells. Eighty percent of all that lives in Australia, plant and animal, lives nowhere else. A third of all species is still unknown to science.
Australia is the driest, flattest, hottest, most desiccated, infertile, and climatically aggressive of all the inhabited continents. It is so hot there that recently the air caught on fire, again. The place is so inert that even the soil is a fossil. On the up side, they have 20% of the world’s slot machines to serve less than 1% of the world’s population.
As about equal to finding a live triceratops, the Nothomyrmecia— proto ants—were found alive, although nothing like it had existed on earth for a hundred million years. They are living relics from a time when ants were evolving from wasps. So, does Graybeard know his evolutionary stuff? Yes, indeed, plus some of those ants were on his back porch. They are now extinct.
I flew back to Los Angeles from Australia, getting there, in time and date, even before I left, which was hardly soon enough. Let us all say a prayer for Graybeard.
Now, don't get me talking about Canada.


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