"Norm"

[austintorn@aol.com]

"Quality always beats quantity," noted Austin to Graham, Labelwench and all. "Look at the universe; it is so large in quantity but full of useless and dangerous places; yet, here, where we are in this oasis in space is the quality of life and its joyous present of its presence."

[G_burnett]

As the first day of spring came to the toe boggle of liqueured minds in the pub strange things began to transform ... knowing all along that labelwrench was a changeling by the way she only drank china shotgun tea.
he unloosed his strappings as she melted into a primal mass of emzines in a puddle on the floor ... Austin in his amaze and gentle prod of the mass with his toe got immediate absorbed to an odd satisfying burp sound.

The Yeti immediately shed all his hair and we all realized we were looking at a new form of a parrot, all 600 pounds of bare squawking mimic that ran out of the pub with Robert now interested and following yelling "I never knew I never knew...!"

Mikal that was hanging from the rafters unfolded her wings out of pupa and all were dusted with monarch sprinkles that began a sneezing frenzy ...

Tina not to be outdone let her feathered wings unfold with music something like a trumpet dimming the sounds of sneezing.

Trina got caught in the time change and began to flicker in an out, here and there ... well at least parts of her.

Michaels Scarab collection from his beach combing collection came alive and began there yearly summer feast of toenails .. not much problem for others who wore shoes.

some Little midget came in a suit followed by a hooded giant with a large Axe behind him came in the west portal yelling "IRS no body move!" and immediately had Katrina lope over, lift her leg out of gender, and piddle on him before biting the giants leg.

Malanie with Dip at the bar began to show pokadots of varied color all over her arms and lower limbs.

... all in all just another spring thaw and wait for cold beer again till next year graham thought as he threw a couple magnets in the air to lift him up and left for home through the north portal ..

[austintorn@aol.com]

(Graham, what were you drinking out in the real world tonight?)

[labelwench]

Keeping a wary eye on Graham, Labelwench took a sip of the wine......and "Cat whizz in a glass!" she yelped, as she immediately took steps to get the awful taste out of her mouth by transforming herself into a grouping of lesser weasels, also known as ermine.

Related to the wolverine, the lesser weasel is actually one of the most fierce predators, especially when it's diminutive stature is considered.

The pack of weasels descended on the nearest protein source, that being Austin, and the poor fellow was rendered into tiny bits and ingested within minutes by the writhing weasel pack.

Caramel, being an empath, knew just when to grab the nearest weasel by the tail. Giving it a mighty shake, the many became the one, and within minutes, the efficient digestive system of the weasel eliminated Austin in his original entirety, minus perhaps some nutrition value or creative thought, but relatvely unscathed.

Graham, meanwhile, had played Houdini and was making good his escape amidst the mayhem that seemed to follow him whither he went.

Labelwench resumed her more recognizable form, and brought to Robert's attention that the wine he had served was terribly "corked". Most apologetic, Robert brought over a more familiar vintage.

"That went rather well", she said, thinking of Graham's first lesson in civility. Like a horse, when faced with a new situation, he wanted to put some distance between himself and the unfamiliar, needed time to "soak" as the horse trainers called it. "Wild and wooly and full of fleas, ain't never been curried below the knees....." she laughed.

"Austin, do let me apologize for my earlier conduct by joining me to try Robert's liquid apology."

And Austin, who revelled in new situations, especially when inviting female forms were involved, didn't hesitate.....

[austintorn@aol.com]

Austin pulled himself together, luckily not much harmed by the lesser of two weasels, and sampled the restorative and lively power of Robert's best wine label, drinking deep in the joy of new life as the thousands of years old grape juice swished into him from the generous offer from the Lady of the Yukon.

[austintorn@aol.com]

— Life Savor —

Oh thee, of thine, whence came this life of mine?
I wish to thank thee for this living wine.
Oh Nature, Father Time, Guiding Star—
Thanks for throwing me this earthly lifeline.


— “To Life” —

Drink the lifeblood of the grapes you’ve sown
Before pressing time squeezes out thy own.
Do toast with thy chalice and all inspire:
“To life’s red wine I give all that I own!”


— In My Own Time —

As I age I drink life’s bountiful wine,
Savoring each droplet in its good time.
As a living chalice of swirling blood,
I must tip my cup to this life of mine.

[labelwench]

Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking;

If you cheat, may you cheat Death,

When you steal, may it be the heart of another,

Should you fight, may it be for a friend,

And when you drink, may it be with me.....

[austintorn@aol.com]

Saturn’s Crystal Hexagon

On his cell phone, Graham texted a telegram,
Which is really what “texting” is like, damn,
With it's new codes and abbreviations
(which is too long of a word for its definition),
On out toward the sexagon on Saturn.

Graham needed more space
From his wife-said place,
So to the ice palace hex,
He went to have good sex.

Back later came a mama-gram from the mams.
Those lovely ladies there said for Graham the man
To come back, bringing quickly some quarks
For their quirks…

Came another tell-a-Graham from those mams,
Saying, Master, we six slaves awaiting
Have just delivered those many sequels
Of that last happy Saturnalia’s ringing bells.

Graham went off to attend to some family matters
On Saturn concerning his sexagon,
Although he still claims that his sex is a-gone.

[austintorn@aol.com]

Picture of Graham on Saturn
and a moon, Enceladus,
taken by Mikey Microbe.

[austintorn@aol.com]

INTO SPACE?

(Actual ToeQuest Dialog from the Past)

Farewell cruel world! We are blasting off to form new Edens. Only we humans can do it. A dog went into space once, but stuck its head out the window and ruined the whole mission. A monkey went, but started fiddling with all the controls and crashed. They say we should send women into space, but I like them so let’s keep them around.

New worlds are so numerous that we can each have one of our own. All those claims of “If I ran the world…” can now be so realized. Bon voyage. Hasta la vista.

Good post, Austin, ‘cept sage says the role of man should be to send all the woman into space so they will not keep trying to feed us the apple and they are after all more adaptable to have children on their own with some simple donations from a male they can take with them (cost less that way). And we can deteriorate with cloning a little sooner then later and solve the problems of the world which do seem to hinge on Man not knowing His role ... heh heh ... get a dog! lol Graham.

It’s a man’s world, Graham. I was reading about Tycho Brahe in the Farmer’s Almanac and it said that he did amazing things, even with a nagging wife, but think of how much more he could have accomplished if your suggestion had been in place then. Do I hear the whoosh of a stick? I believe I may see stars soon.

Women even ask men to do things, plus saying when, even adding how (easy), but they can only pick none, maybe one if we are in a good mood. Do I hear Bo Peep coming? Better give her some space. Uh, oh, my phone is ringing.

“Hi Peepers. Honey, I am far away. How’s it going in space? Oh, you went the wrong way and took a turn for the worse without men around. I’ll be right there after I make 10 millions posts. Bye. What? I have to put a light bulb? OK, I’ll do it first thing tomorrow. Huh? You’re breaking up. Can’t hear you. My dopamine is getting low; I have to go off and have some fun in restoring it.”

OK, the role of mankind is to send womankind into space so that men can have some room. “To the moon, Alice!” Once a deaf man and a blind woman had a good marriage. He couldn’t hear the commands to pick up the stuff that she couldn’t see. Uh, oh, I have to go erase an e-mail. Too late…

“Hi honey, I’m out with Graham. We are seeing who can pee the farthest furthest, since we drank a lot. You are using telepathy? Please, I asked you not to call me here. Oops, I am passing out; my mind is going blank, then I have to meditate the rest of the day.”

OK, Graham, now we can get down to serious business. Uh, oh, the new GrandMaster Grandmother of all broomsticks just flew in. Now what?

“Oh, Hi sweetie, your internet is working? I thought I fixed that good. What, it’s cold in the hex house that you are in on Saturn? Put more crystals on the fire. What! I have to move the earth closer? Well, I don’t have a lever that long, plus I have no place to stand, so I really can’t stand it. Oh? Graham made me say those things. Huh? A figamagig fell off? Better go see a doctor.”

Hi Graham... whoops!

“Honey, why don’t you want to eat the apple, like they say an apple a day keeps the doc away!!! Also makes you fully conscious....

Sweetie: We sent a woman/teacher into space and the spacecraft blew up... not a good idea and also not too many women want to have children without the aid of a man.... there is no loving moments in cloning, in fact that just sounds ugly cold... Walk your dog a little longer and further and you might me some nice woman out walking her dog longer and further... — Graham”

“Austin, that whoosh was just Bopeep’s staff... never fear she was just changing it to the other hand.... Yeh, you heard BoPeep coming and because you did not answer my call from Saturn, you are now jinxed and so is Graham...”

Best Menopause Question Ever:

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman’s Answer: One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

“I’m sorry. What was the question, dear?”

AHH Austin ... when you wake up from that bump on your head, say that I decided to go surfing with sage and Father Michael who says there are too many pheromone warning signs here (whine whine) .. exit stage left.

“OH HI HON.... SEE U LATER! Honey, I can’t screw in a light bulb because it’s too small for me to get into, plus how would we get you in there, too?”

OK, Graham, let’s talk about that sexagon house. Should we make it our castle and have some women pause?”

“Thought I better let you know that I’m still here... I’m just being real quiet.... smiles. —BoPeepers”

“Well, Honey, don’t touch anything or knock over our experiments or we’ll have to give you the TOE of the boot. It’s bad enough that we had to give a rib.”

Graham, she’s gone; now let’s get this moonshine device working properly.

“Go ahead you guys.... kill your brain cells... smiles...”