Daily Laughter

[Mikal]

Every day should hold a good, long, hearty laugh


EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.




Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
------

[austintorn@aol.com]

Your own death will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require two weeks notice to train your replacement.

[austintorn@aol.com]

[Mikal]

Out of the mouth of babes…

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watc hing his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little g irl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is
he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the
flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was
listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little
four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Spread the smiles.

Out of the mouth of babes…

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watc hing his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little g irl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is
he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the
flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was
listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little
four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Spread the smiles.

[Mikal]

Computer's gone whackos again and hicupped twice... unless of course it has to be preoccupied with such serious matters as the TOE all the time, that it decided it liked the way it felt when it laughed...



Smiles Mikal

[austintorn@aol.com]

[austintorn@aol.com]

[austintorn@aol.com]

(IBM gave free dinners to workers, but I never had one.)

[Mikal]

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:
My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

[Mikal]

By Chris Rock, comedian

'You know the world is going to hell when the best
rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA
is Chinese, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.
S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in
America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.